Giving up my heritage notions

I haven't posted in a loooong time, but not because I haven't been researching and thinking about my heritage.

I just started my second summer of intensive Lithuanian language training. It's one of the hardest things I've done. Last summer nearly did me in. I had a difficult time keeping up, and it was way over my head. Interestingly enough, I didn't feel much of a connection with the language-- I didn't feel it was familiar at all. Of course, I hadn't really learned any Lithuanian before starting the class, but it felt much more like a foreign language than a heritage language for me. I think the only factor making it a heritage learning experience for me is my increased investment in learning Lithuanian. Even though I did very poorly, I continued to try because I really wanted to learn. I wanted to be able to communicate with my relatives in Lithuania.

This year I feel more of a connection to Lithuanian. I feel like I'm remembering a few more scraps of Lithuanian from my grandmother.

One evening I was thinking about how I have always imagined my Lithuanian last name-- Paukštenaite. While discussing Lithuanian names, my teacher had gently suggested a more likely version, Paukštyte. I had trouble accepting that initially. I had always been told my name would have been Paukštenaite, and I trusted that. It was my name. So I went home and thought about the two names, I tried to remember who told me my name would have been Paukštenaite and when I heard it, or if I had maybe changed it myself, from the original. I finally decided to accept the idea that the likely Lithuanian version of my name would have been Paukštyte. It probably is. I feel a little sad about accepting that-- it invalidates what I thought my name was, what I grew up thinking my name was. At the same time, maybe it brings me closer to the place my great grandparents left, the country of my heritage.

My name is Barbara Bird, but I like to think about having an alter-ego, Barbora Paukštyte, who might someday speak Lithuanian.